A Reason to Post More Than Once in... Two Years Now

This is something i just thought of tonight and i had to do it. A few disclaimers before i begin. First off these people are real, like i can make this stuff up, but i have changed names. Second, the majority of these events are also real. OK... maybe slightly altered here and there but they all happened. And thirdly the reason I'm doing this is more or less therapeutic so when things written get a little "over the top" it is strictly blowing off steam.

I dedicate this to Stacey. Without her I would have strangled myself with my apron strings in the walk-in by now.




MY EXILE

I like to think of myself as a chef although I'm starting to think I might be mistaken. I spend my days, and far to many of them, at a deli. Yeah, I make food, and I wear the fancy uniform but hell, people do that on TV all the time and that doesn't mean shit. I begin this almost 3 years into the story. There have been many characters along the way, but this current cast deserves a little more attention. Within the walls that slowly dull my education can be found the most fucked up group of people I've ever met. I hate what these people are doing to me because i love my job. Great hours, breaks during a shift, vacation, in after 7, out before 9, holidays!, the pay, what isn't to love? You can't find a cooking job like that anywhere. Read Bourdain's books, talk to anyone. So this is how I cope.

Barbara-Sue-JoAnn-Mary-Beth-Shaqueesha
Still in high school and this piece of work still has time to work 2 part time jobs. A counter clerk, and a mom. While whoever looks after her kid, who is almost 1, she has time to hang out with her friends from school. A bunch of American youths who would best be described as "Skreet". While not with her friends, or working, she spends time with her very lower-middle class, rural Kentucky, white christian family. Only a few weeks ago the dept. was joyously informed of her engagement to a minor (not the dad) from said rural town, thereby making her related to almost all of the towns couple hundred some odd inhabitants. Her now fiancee finds the act of marking quite enjoyable as she arrives with fresh hickeys about every 5-7 days.
While attempting to covertly insult this contributor to our gene pool, I mentioned how she should really look into getting onto MTV's Under Aged and Engaged she replies, "I know! I really want to, can't you imagine it?" Yes, yes I can. And I already feel the stupidity setting in. I then notice the new purple, walnut sized sucker punch on her throat and ask "again?" He did it while she was asleep. Riiiight. She couldn't have slept through to that color with the aid of horse tranquilizers. Go rent Idiocracy and you might just cry a little like I did.

Laynce
Soon to be Air Force recruit. Bleached blond hair. Thinks he's the shit. Is really, really wrong. He'll only be here another 30 days, but this one will have a big section all to himself I can tell. Especially since he doesn't get along with trailer park barbie.
I'm thinking book deal.

The TWAT
The worst thing about my job is that the only requirement for advancement is have you worked here long enough. No one looks at whether or not they can actually do the job, just when were they hired. That allows me to introduce my Department Head, The TWAT. Twat loves her Louisville Cardinals and will regularly, to the point store management notices, schedule herself off for home games, and off early enough to get home in time to watch the ones on TV. The depth of this fanatical behavior doesn't stop there either. I was informed that she TiVo's the home games, the ones that she attends with her season tickets (football and basketball), to watch them again at home. The past college bowl game season had Louisville in a rather large one. Twat went to Florida for the game, TiVoed the thing, then taped it, and then bought the $21.99 DVD that was being sold of the same game at local retailers. I love football, that is ridiculous.
Twat likes her bad 80s style bitch-flip bangs and has not altered her haircut once in over a year I'm told. She loves her Eclipse, a purple convertible. And has NO CLUE that everyone in the department hates her. The coworker who was to be married to her son. Yep, boss is your to be mother in law, but we'll get back to Jewel-yah Stylz later, couldn't stand her and quit because of her. As did 9 other people since I started working there less than a year ago. An astonishing 22 people have quit our one department since the Grand Opening of the store in Feb. of 2006! Never have I seen such blind ignorance to a problem before in my life. It's as if everyone in the company feels that the way to do a job is not by actually working but to act like it and see how long you can go doing nothing and getting away with it.
The Twat had the nerve to suggest that one of the younger employees I actually get along with doesn't work and just stands around talking. To further understand why this is not only insane but also bullshit you have to know that she schedules 3-5 people to work in the bakery a day, which is where she spends 95% of her day as well, while still getting nothing done. Then has him close down the bakery on a night she scheduled herself to do it. I guess it doesn't matter what the schedule says as long as it gets done right, TWAT? On another occasion she schedules herself a night when she knows weeks ahead of time that the "Big Wigs" (aka Company) will be coming that day. She arrives 6 hours before her shift is to start to get things done. It doesn't matter if you actually work a closing shift (1 is required of all employees weekly, no exceptions) as long as it's on the schedule.
Starting to see where Twat came from?
I've had several offers from close friends outside work willing to tell her all about herself via phone, and only recently has the idea really sounded appealing.
"Hi is the twat there? You know the Department Head. Yes I'd like to leave a message, She's a dirty whore who should choke on a dick and get ran through with a tire iron. Everyone hates her and she should quit her job from shame. And can i get 2 pounds of chicken salad tomorrow? Thanks."
I'd love to hear it if she answered. I noticed the other day that when she talks all I hear are sounds like Charlie Browns teacher/parents. And I wasn't even trying to ignore her, it just kinda happened like a reflex.
Yeah BIG book deal, ha ha.